I should call it 'guilt'
Aug. 30th, 2007 06:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dethoratsThis is for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
astrokender, who wanted to know what was going through Luffy's head back in 438 - the Zoro ultimatum chapter.
Title: Captain's Burden
Rating: G
Pairing: ZoLu-ish
Word Count: 1489
“Usopp’s coming back?!”
He could feel the grin on his face stretching from ear to ear, the kind of smile only a rubber man could make. Luffy’s heart swelled with happiness and his head filled only with thoughts of Usopp, of his missing nakama. Merry’s recent farewell had weighed upon him heavily, the argument that had caused the initial split with the sharpshooter replaying again and again in his mind. He had never been one to dwell on the past. What over is over and what’s done is done as his grandfather had often said whenever his younger self would cry and whine about the injuries sustained during a day of training. The same words he had often wanted to throw back at the gruff, weathered man with regards to Shanks, holding his tongue only because his grandfather was the toughest person he knew. But that fight, probably the worst he’d ever fought, just wouldn’t let him be.
Usopp HAD been right. Or at least, he hadn’t been entirely wrong. Merry was capable of voyaging away from Water 7, of surviving to one more island. The sharpshooter’s faith and love in their craft hadn’t been misplaced. In fact, it was probably the main reason why Merry had come to save them, had been able to talk to them all before the waves closed over mast tops for a final time. And that hurt Luffy. Hurt him somewhere deep inside because for once it hadn’t been him that had had the greatest faith. He knew his nakama would do just about anything for each other and he believed they would all find their dreams, working together. And yet he hadn’t had the same sort of faith in Merry, not in the dependable craft that had carried them so far down the Grand Line. Merry was his nakama too but only Usopp had known exactly what that meant. The line had been drawn, tempers and nerves frayed, and before he even really knew what he was doing, they were all walking away, leaving Merry and Usopp behind. Merry would never come back. The brave ship had been given an honorable death and he grieved as was appropriate. But Usopp, now there was a chance to redeem himself, to get back his most bosom friend and to have his nakama hale but for the gap that would always be filled now by Merry’s memory.
Luffy was nearly to the door, light on his feet as he barely held back from charging out of the room with Nami and Chopper, when Zoro brought him to an abrupt halt. What were those words coming out of Zoro’s mouth? What demands? Who was he to say whether or not Usopp could come back without an apology? As usual, his mouth and his brain weren’t quite in synch and his companions beat him to the punch, Nami and Chopper’s outrage shot down by a sharp and quelling “Shush!” It wasn’t like Zoro to be so demanding. He was more of the type to grouch and grudgingly go along. He wasn’t the type to speechify either but the situation must have called for it since he was still speaking.
It was awkward, being tugged into position next to his first nakama and listening to the swordsman explain himself. Guilt flashed through Luffy first, a stab of pain as Zoro quickly brushed past the argument itself. The heart of his concern was somewhere else. More pain, dull and not nearly as strong as he felt he deserved, came as Zoro clacked the hilt of a blade against his head and called him ‘captain.’ That damn word. Zoro tossed that word around far more than anyone else in the crew and he also meant it far more. Captain. Power and promise and need and responsibility and so many other intangible things wrapped that word and Luffy didn’t like to claim it very often, knew he pulled it out as a whinging excuse from time to time but usually just let the full weight of the word slide past him. This time, though, it looked like Zoro wasn’t going to let him.
His face actually hurt as Zoro gripped rubber skin in his fist and pulled. It wasn’t the stretching. He did that to himself all the time. It was the tightness of Zoro’s hand, so tight the calluses on his fingertips felt like they were being embossed on his cheek. Tense and demanding and Luffy could feel sweat start to bead along his forehead, the situation making him sick to his stomach as Zoro continued to talk, stand before his nakama and lay it all on the line. And then he went and made it even worse.
“It’s none of my business that you usually joke around, but if you humiliate yourself yet still want to claim any pretense of being my leader, then I will be the one to leave the crew this time!!!” *
Green eyes, hard and dark and hurting somewhere beneath the veneer of anger Zoro had summoned to get through this, met Luffy’s. And Luffy could only stare back wild-eyed, sweat now dripping off his face and his stomach threatening to empty.
Leave? Zoro would leave? The thought ran through his brain on repeat like the skipping needle on Makino’s old record player. For a moment Luffy couldn’t breathe. His chest was too tight, squeezed in an invisible hand, and his eyes prickled hotly. Zoro couldn’t leave. Not Zoro. Not any of his nakama, please, not any of them ever again. But not Zoro. Not the swordsman. Not his first recruit. Not the moss-haired, sleepy young pirate who had believed in him before anyone else. Not his favorite pillow and art project. Not the person who was going to be the strongest swordsman in the world. Not the first nakama he’d cried for. Not the man who called him captain and meant it with all his heart. PLEASE not Zoro.
He NEEDED Zoro. Needed all of his nakama and most of them for far more obvious reasons, but Zoro most especially for all of those hidden, abstract things he did. It was Zoro, after all, who made him a captain, was making him BE a captain right now with his words and his threat and damn if that didn’t make Luffy a touch angry under his fear and confusion. He WAS the captain and now Zoro was forcing something on him…but…Zoro was right. Again. Not that the crew was more important than an individual – just look how far they’d gone for Robin – but that Usopp HAD left of his own free will. And under less than glorious circumstances. Captain’s orders DID have to be obeyed when they were important, regardless of the ultimate outcome. Still…Zoro was so harsh.
Luffy barely heard Nami’s protests but he couldn’t miss the ringing blow of the butt of Zoro’s sheathed sword, the white one, on the hardwood floor. Zoro was absolutely - deadly – serious and that meant he couldn’t afford to be anything else either.
“We aren’t playing pirates like kids here!!!” **
That was the final straw and Luffy felt his face grow grim as he remembered the parting he’d had from Usopp. His legs trembled as he made his decision and he sat down abruptly to keep them from acting on their own. Zoro was right, damn him. Right and so cruel. Usopp for Zoro? He didn’t believe Zoro consciously had laid it out in those terms but basically that’s what it came down to. His bestest friend and the easy way they’d been traveling until now or Zoro and changing into something that would let them survive all the struggles that were bound to lie ahead? Cruel. So very cruel. And right but that, a small part of his mind whispered, didn’t matter. He’d have chosen Zoro over Usopp anyway, even though he was pretty sure some of his other nakama wouldn’t have understood why. Rock and a hard place and Zoro had been trying in his own roundabout way to explain that that was what being a captain was truly all about for some time now but he hadn’t known how true it was until now.
Luffy’s hands curled into fists on his knees and he stared resolutely at the ground as he gave voice to his decision. A captain’s decision. There was always hope, after all, that Usopp would apologize and return. And it was that hope that he clung to as his nakama voiced their reluctant agreement.
Zoro was the first to leave the room and Luffy was glad. As badly as he needed the swordsman’s presence, his wordless reassurance, he didn’t trust himself not to punch him at the moment. Later, though, when he’d collected his thoughts and himself, he’d find Zoro alone and let him know he understood. And make sure that Zoro knew he wasn’t ever allowed to leave.
*Page 4 **Page 5 Both translations courtesy of the folks at NULL
astrokender, who wanted to know what was going through Luffy's head back in 438 - the Zoro ultimatum chapter.Title: Captain's Burden
Rating: G
Pairing: ZoLu-ish
Word Count: 1489
“Usopp’s coming back?!”
He could feel the grin on his face stretching from ear to ear, the kind of smile only a rubber man could make. Luffy’s heart swelled with happiness and his head filled only with thoughts of Usopp, of his missing nakama. Merry’s recent farewell had weighed upon him heavily, the argument that had caused the initial split with the sharpshooter replaying again and again in his mind. He had never been one to dwell on the past. What over is over and what’s done is done as his grandfather had often said whenever his younger self would cry and whine about the injuries sustained during a day of training. The same words he had often wanted to throw back at the gruff, weathered man with regards to Shanks, holding his tongue only because his grandfather was the toughest person he knew. But that fight, probably the worst he’d ever fought, just wouldn’t let him be.
Usopp HAD been right. Or at least, he hadn’t been entirely wrong. Merry was capable of voyaging away from Water 7, of surviving to one more island. The sharpshooter’s faith and love in their craft hadn’t been misplaced. In fact, it was probably the main reason why Merry had come to save them, had been able to talk to them all before the waves closed over mast tops for a final time. And that hurt Luffy. Hurt him somewhere deep inside because for once it hadn’t been him that had had the greatest faith. He knew his nakama would do just about anything for each other and he believed they would all find their dreams, working together. And yet he hadn’t had the same sort of faith in Merry, not in the dependable craft that had carried them so far down the Grand Line. Merry was his nakama too but only Usopp had known exactly what that meant. The line had been drawn, tempers and nerves frayed, and before he even really knew what he was doing, they were all walking away, leaving Merry and Usopp behind. Merry would never come back. The brave ship had been given an honorable death and he grieved as was appropriate. But Usopp, now there was a chance to redeem himself, to get back his most bosom friend and to have his nakama hale but for the gap that would always be filled now by Merry’s memory.
Luffy was nearly to the door, light on his feet as he barely held back from charging out of the room with Nami and Chopper, when Zoro brought him to an abrupt halt. What were those words coming out of Zoro’s mouth? What demands? Who was he to say whether or not Usopp could come back without an apology? As usual, his mouth and his brain weren’t quite in synch and his companions beat him to the punch, Nami and Chopper’s outrage shot down by a sharp and quelling “Shush!” It wasn’t like Zoro to be so demanding. He was more of the type to grouch and grudgingly go along. He wasn’t the type to speechify either but the situation must have called for it since he was still speaking.
It was awkward, being tugged into position next to his first nakama and listening to the swordsman explain himself. Guilt flashed through Luffy first, a stab of pain as Zoro quickly brushed past the argument itself. The heart of his concern was somewhere else. More pain, dull and not nearly as strong as he felt he deserved, came as Zoro clacked the hilt of a blade against his head and called him ‘captain.’ That damn word. Zoro tossed that word around far more than anyone else in the crew and he also meant it far more. Captain. Power and promise and need and responsibility and so many other intangible things wrapped that word and Luffy didn’t like to claim it very often, knew he pulled it out as a whinging excuse from time to time but usually just let the full weight of the word slide past him. This time, though, it looked like Zoro wasn’t going to let him.
His face actually hurt as Zoro gripped rubber skin in his fist and pulled. It wasn’t the stretching. He did that to himself all the time. It was the tightness of Zoro’s hand, so tight the calluses on his fingertips felt like they were being embossed on his cheek. Tense and demanding and Luffy could feel sweat start to bead along his forehead, the situation making him sick to his stomach as Zoro continued to talk, stand before his nakama and lay it all on the line. And then he went and made it even worse.
“It’s none of my business that you usually joke around, but if you humiliate yourself yet still want to claim any pretense of being my leader, then I will be the one to leave the crew this time!!!” *
Green eyes, hard and dark and hurting somewhere beneath the veneer of anger Zoro had summoned to get through this, met Luffy’s. And Luffy could only stare back wild-eyed, sweat now dripping off his face and his stomach threatening to empty.
Leave? Zoro would leave? The thought ran through his brain on repeat like the skipping needle on Makino’s old record player. For a moment Luffy couldn’t breathe. His chest was too tight, squeezed in an invisible hand, and his eyes prickled hotly. Zoro couldn’t leave. Not Zoro. Not any of his nakama, please, not any of them ever again. But not Zoro. Not the swordsman. Not his first recruit. Not the moss-haired, sleepy young pirate who had believed in him before anyone else. Not his favorite pillow and art project. Not the person who was going to be the strongest swordsman in the world. Not the first nakama he’d cried for. Not the man who called him captain and meant it with all his heart. PLEASE not Zoro.
He NEEDED Zoro. Needed all of his nakama and most of them for far more obvious reasons, but Zoro most especially for all of those hidden, abstract things he did. It was Zoro, after all, who made him a captain, was making him BE a captain right now with his words and his threat and damn if that didn’t make Luffy a touch angry under his fear and confusion. He WAS the captain and now Zoro was forcing something on him…but…Zoro was right. Again. Not that the crew was more important than an individual – just look how far they’d gone for Robin – but that Usopp HAD left of his own free will. And under less than glorious circumstances. Captain’s orders DID have to be obeyed when they were important, regardless of the ultimate outcome. Still…Zoro was so harsh.
Luffy barely heard Nami’s protests but he couldn’t miss the ringing blow of the butt of Zoro’s sheathed sword, the white one, on the hardwood floor. Zoro was absolutely - deadly – serious and that meant he couldn’t afford to be anything else either.
“We aren’t playing pirates like kids here!!!” **
That was the final straw and Luffy felt his face grow grim as he remembered the parting he’d had from Usopp. His legs trembled as he made his decision and he sat down abruptly to keep them from acting on their own. Zoro was right, damn him. Right and so cruel. Usopp for Zoro? He didn’t believe Zoro consciously had laid it out in those terms but basically that’s what it came down to. His bestest friend and the easy way they’d been traveling until now or Zoro and changing into something that would let them survive all the struggles that were bound to lie ahead? Cruel. So very cruel. And right but that, a small part of his mind whispered, didn’t matter. He’d have chosen Zoro over Usopp anyway, even though he was pretty sure some of his other nakama wouldn’t have understood why. Rock and a hard place and Zoro had been trying in his own roundabout way to explain that that was what being a captain was truly all about for some time now but he hadn’t known how true it was until now.
Luffy’s hands curled into fists on his knees and he stared resolutely at the ground as he gave voice to his decision. A captain’s decision. There was always hope, after all, that Usopp would apologize and return. And it was that hope that he clung to as his nakama voiced their reluctant agreement.
Zoro was the first to leave the room and Luffy was glad. As badly as he needed the swordsman’s presence, his wordless reassurance, he didn’t trust himself not to punch him at the moment. Later, though, when he’d collected his thoughts and himself, he’d find Zoro alone and let him know he understood. And make sure that Zoro knew he wasn’t ever allowed to leave.
*Page 4 **Page 5 Both translations courtesy of the folks at NULL
